


Not Quite Right

by orphan_account



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-09 20:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5553626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver has never felt right with being called "male".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> barely edited bc im lazy af

During the years on the island, Oliver never exactly had time to think about things.

He remembers the island very clearly still, even after years away from it. He remembers the fear, the grief, everything. Memories still disturb him; he has nightmares and flashbacks that beyond frustrate him. When he was there, he was just trying to survive. He was some rich boy who went on a cruise with his father and the sister of his girlfriend and had the misfortune to become shipwrecked, but he still feels remorse when the memories come up, when he remembers Shado or even Slade.

But he isn’t on the island anymore and he definitely has more time to think.

When Oliver made it home and spent the night safe and sound in his own bed after so long, the feelings from before the crash came rushing back to him. Sometimes, he doesn’t feel... normal. Male, he supposes. That word feels wrong and foreign to him, despite being called that for all his life, and he still doesn’t understand it. He’s not male. So if he’s not male, he has to a female, right?

Before the island, that’s where his train of thought stopped. He was entering dangerous territory. Now, though, he pauses. He thinks, _Is that me? Was I born in the wrong body?_

And sometimes he feels wrong in his body, but then sometimes he doesn’t. That and the fact that he feels weird being called a female as well makes things very much more complicated. He’s got to be one or the other.

If he’s learned anything over the years (from Thea), it’s that lies are bad and ruin relationships. He doesn’t want to ruin this thing he has with Felicity because she is the light of his life and he can’t imagine what he’d do without her. He has to tell her.

“Felicity,” he croaks one night. He is laying with her and he has his arms around her. They’re not doing anything, just being with each other. She will be the first person he tells, maybe even the only one if this doesn't work out. He’s having trouble finding the words. His hands tremble and he tightens his arms. Maybe he shouldn’t do this - _this could ruin everything_ \- but he can’t keep lying, can’t keep keeping this from everyone. He needs help, he manages to admit to himself.

Felicity must notice the panic in his voice. She sits up and looks at him with concern. Oliver is absolutely terrified but he can’t back out now. He desperately wants someone to know.

“What is it?” she asks. Oliver really wants to answer but instead he just shakes his head, tears welling in his eyes, and he pulls her closer and into his chest, squeezing her tightly. “Oh, honey.”

“I’m scared,” he says. “I’m so scared, Felicity. I don’t know what wrong with me.”

“Honey, honey, it’s okay. Tell me what’s wrong,” she sounds just as scared now. “What’s wrong? Please tell me.”

He struggles to get the words out. “I feel - I feel wrong, Felicity.”

“Wrong?”

“I’m so scared,” he repeats. “I’m so, so scared.”

“Listen to me,” Felicity says firmly but her voice trembles. “Tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s up.”

“I - I don’t - “ _God_ , why is this so hard? He lets her go, sitting up and facing away from her. “I don’t feel like I’m a - a man?”

She doesn’t say anything so he plows on, just wanting to get this out and over with. “I’m not a man? It - it doesn’t feel right, that’s not me. B-but I don’t know what I am. I’m not a man or a woman, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not -”

He’s repeating those words now. He’s never said them out loud. He never thought he _would_ and it’s such a relief. He feels a weight lifted off his shoulders and he lets himself cry, let's Felicity wrap her arms around him and he falls asleep to her soothing voice, saying she loves him.

..

Felicity doesn’t sleep that night.

When she was in college, there was a lot of closeted people. It wasn’t exactly the best of times to come out. Things were better but still very dangerous, she remembers. She herself still isn’t technically out but if someone asked her, she wouldn’t be afraid to tell people she is bisexual. She isn't really comfortable having that information out, having everyone know this thing about her.

But this is different. Oliver just confessed to her that he - _they_ , she corrects, just in case - isn’t a man. Or a woman. And Felicity isn’t trans; she doesn’t understand what they’re feeling. She is vaguely familiar with what they described to her though.

She carefully leaves the bed and makes her way to the living room. Her laptop sits on the coffee table. She definitely doesn’t understand but she thinks she knows what Oliver is feeling, and she sits down on her side of the couch. Her laptop boots up. Her hands are shaking as she types _non binary_ into the google search bar.

While Oliver is deep under, Felicity is wide awake.


	2. Chapter 2

When Oliver wakes up alone and cold in bed, the first thing he does is groan aloud and curl deeper into the covers, wincing from the open curtains.  _ Sleep _ , he thinks and lets himself fall again - or tries to, at least. As soon as he feels himself drifting, the events from last night replay themselves in his head,  _ so vivid _ , and Oliver jerks awake once more.

He’s still groggy and confused. He automatically tries to leave the bed despite the blankets tangled around his legs. It results in him falling to the ground with a bang.

Oliver remembers everything now. He is torn between happiness and dread; happiness that finally someone else knows about this anomaly and dread from someone  _ knowing _ . Is this the worse thing caused by timetravel that Barry mentioned? Because it sure feels like it.

Why did he say anything? Oliver Queen spent five years on some fucked up island with Slade and Amanda Waller but he couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut when it came to this - this -  _ whatever  _ this is.

Some hero he is.

“It’s not a big deal,” he finds himself saying. Oliver stalks across the room to the bedroom door, almost tripping over the blankets that tangled around his legs. His hand reaches for the handle. He can just tell her he was joking. Or something.

The door creaks as it opens. It is slow and loud and Felicity would definitely hear it. If she’s actually in the house, that is. His feet touch cool floor and his hands reach for the banister, and he looks down, half-expecting empty space, but rather he sees Felicity sitting on the couch.

She laughs, from something on TV, Oliver assumes, but it sounds forced. No doubt she heard the door opening.

Oliver traces patterns on the banister, following it to the stairs. He walks down slowly with a racing heart pounding so hard that Oliver worries if this could be a heart attack. His breathing speeds up.

“Felicity,” Oliver manages to choke out once he reaches the bottom step. He doesn’t know what's come over him. He walks towards her and the couch. “Felicity. I’m sorry.”

“Oliver, listen to me,” Felicity is already saying to him. She reaches out for him and he complies, walking the rest of the way, and she pulls him down to the couch. Her hug is tight. They sit like that until Felicity seems to remember she was saying something to him. “Oliver, listen. It’s fine.”

“Fine?” he repeats. He buries his face deeper into her neck, unable to face her.

Sighing, Felicity pulls away. Her eyes find his and she looks into them for what feels like forever. Oliver shifts uncomfortably but Felicity doesn’t let up.

“We’ve been through alot together, Oliver,” she says finally. “If  _ this  _ doesn’t change anything between us -” she gestures to her lower half.” - then your gender wouldn’t change anything. Yes, it’s alright, Oliver. You did nothing wrong.”

“Of course that doesn’t change anything -”

“I know, Oliver,” Felicity interrupts. “I’m just saying. This is something I can’t control and that is something you can’t control either.”

Oliver sits back and lets his gaze fall onto the fireplace before them. 

“Although, maybe I shouldn’t compare that to a disability,” Felicity says as an afterthought. “Ignore that. I mean, don’t ignore that. Ignore the where I compare my disability to transgender-ness, but don’t ignore the part where I say it’s alright. Because it is...”

She trails off at Oliver’s flinch. “Oliver, I - um, did some research. About your - gender.”

Oliver opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He doesn’t know what to say. His hands twitch at his side. “It’s... not - ”

“Oliver, I already said it’s okay,” Felicity shifts closer to him, despite being pressed up right against Oliver already. “Look, I know this is really confusing for you. I know it is for me and - and I’m not even the one experiencing it so it must be even worse for you,” her hand grasps his tightly. It’s reassuring. “I did research because you sounded really,  _ really _ confused last night and I wanted to help.”

“You didn’t have to,” Oliver manages.

“No, I did. I love you and - and I want to help you, okay?”

Felicity suddenly pulls away from him. Reaching for her laptop, Oliver notices how tired she looks and he feels even worse for doing this to her, for messing everything up.

“I’m sorry,” is all he can say.

“Stop blaming yourself for everything,” Felicity says. She types the passcode and waits for a page to load. She passes it to him then sits back, giving him his privacy.

The first thing he sees are the words  _ “[Nonbinary gender](http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Nonbinary_gender).” _ Oliver glances up at Felicity but her focus has shifted to the now mute television. He looks back at the dim screen.

_ The battery is probably dying, _ Oliver thinks, attempting to distract himself from whatever this is. The article is short but to the point and Oliver just understands what he is reading, knows the feeling. He feels a weight lift off his shoulders and things start to make more sense and the fear is definitely still there but not as prominent as it was before.

Felicity doesn’t say anything when Oliver uses her laptop longer than she probably intended. Eventually, though, she does the volume back up. She shifts closer to Oliver again and rests her head on his shoulder, taking his hand once more, and Oliver feels at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would you believe this took me over a month to write????? over a month to write approximately 900 words. my lack of motivation is unbelievable, let me tell u
> 
> also while writing this, i realized that i have no idea how felicity gets up and down stairs??? of course thats just me assuming that the room they use is upstairs rather than using a possibly hidden downstairs room or something. idk.
> 
> well hope u enjoyed! even if it is short


End file.
